calmkate

Toxic relationships

sadly a topic I know only too well
too many have sucked the energy
from my very inner core
betrayal the cost as loyalty was lost
passive aggression, fake kindness
while whipping up a tsunami
break every promise, unsure if it
was calculated or mere inability
jealousy makes them competitive
fiercely so with no intention to
care or support but I took them
at face value, trust is in my soul

if mentally unstable this may
have tipped me over the edge
the constant put downs, control
and cunning manipulation felt
like driving a stake into my heart
my abilities never acknowledged,
boundaries constantly transgressed
self worth in doubt
as they muck me about
drained by every encounter
know they need kindness
but is this my daft blindness

if a friend then wiser to step away
but if family or colleague I’m bound
some compromise must be found
boundaries very strictly enforced
least contact as humanly possible
nurture true worthy relationships
to provide balance and support
for these toxic people poison all
they see or touch always too much
for the one they deceive most is
them, while they lie and manipulate
some maybe fooled it is their fate

won’t let it eat me with hate
for they have no shame or insight
into their wilful woeful ways
it seems their nature to torment
obliterated  by their own malaise
obscured by an emotional desert
deprived of maturity, lost in a maze
go figure why they do it …
doubt they even know,
corrupted by blind habit
unaware of the seeds they sew
be aware to protect yourself

45 comments

  2. I figure I’m toxic to some people. They are to me. In fact, they might be decent people. Why would I hold them back? I think honesty is the best policy if you’re being drained in a friendship.

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    • yes but you are talking mental health issues here and I fully agree. Such people are very sensitive but respond well to honesty!
      The manipulative type don’t cope with confrontation at all … two very different types 🙂

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  3. Excellent advice and truth.
    Aw, I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all of this, Kate. 😦 Sadly, those toxic people are out there.
    I can relate. I’ve learned, too, about boundaries…and how to protect myself.
    I want to love and hug EVERYONE…even toxic people…thinking that will help them. Some, it has. Some, it hasn’t.
    As a good friend told me decades ago, “Carolyn, you may think everyone wants and needs you to be their friend. But they DON’T.”
    So I’ve come to deal with this. I still try, I still reach out, but I will eventually back away when I see I’m not needed or wanted, or the relationship is not reciprocated in any way. It makes me sad. But, it’s life.
    (((HUGS))) and thank you for always being a bright person in my life! Bright as in smart, wise and helpful, bright as in cheery, kind, and joy-bringing! 🙂

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  4. you wrote with such passion and insight that i can tell you have experienced the toxicity of others on a regular occasion. i have found that it can be so difficult eliminating the toxic people out of your life and in some families it appears to be a trait that is handed down………so sorry you have to deal with such dysfunction.

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  5. Of course, the “smart” thing to do would be to put the toxic relationship behind us, but we’re not wired that way, are we? Something, call it “pride,” call it “stubbornness,” even call it “pettiness,” compels us to get the upper hand, to have the last word.

    Part of that, I think, is that we still have affection of some form for the “toxic” other, and deeply resent having that love (or whatever) sour.

    What a complex ball of emotions we are!

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  6. Maybe it’s all part of our life’s process. To be put through the toxic washing machine ringer, and then hung out to dry…. I love your positive dismal of these people, and you possess a resilient fortitude to withstand these situations…..

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  7. I can totally relate to this kate…and as a general rule, we stay away from toxic people; but what happens if they are our relatives and freinds living within our reach?..by virtue of proximity, it is hard to stay away from them. How ever we still have options and choices..it could be draining and suffocating but in time we will figure out a way..a way to deal with them..

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  9. And because of it you came back stronger than ever. It’s sad that we have to have those experiences, but it’s always adversity that teaches us the biggest lessons. And not becoming a victim in the process of it is no small accomplishment. Remember that you didn’t choose to be treated this way nor did you do anything to bring it on. Bless you.

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  11. Getting away from toxic acquaintances and friends is relatively easy, it is toxic family members who can make life hell and sometimes ‘least contact’ is not possible. But like you, I believe, such people make us stronger. Very powerful write, Kate.

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  12. This post struck a chord with me. So much in it with which I could identify. No, we can’t choose our family, but we can choose our friends. It is important to surround ourselves with positive people who lift us up. (in person or online)

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  13. A lightning rod of a poem! I can feel the pain you speak of and the strength you’ve grown with. I’m reminded that the golden rule speaks of doing to others as you’d have them do to you. so, ergo, if you need to distance or protect yourself, then that is what you need to receive and give, and that is true kindness.

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  14. It is so hard when we have toxic relationships with family, because all too often, we are stuck staying in relationship (of some sort) with them. All we can do is protect ourselves to the best of our ability, and remember that they do not get to define who we are. Very powerful poem, Kate! And I’m sorry for the toxic relationships in your life. I think we can all relate!

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  18. So much the reality – so much energy and practice needed to draw boundaries. Easier said than done for family, like you say, everything is made to seem well-meaning yet so much is not that nourishing to be around.

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  20. Sometimes these people are manipulative and toxic only with you (its actually such a person in my life because of whom I don’t write a lot of details I otherwise would on my blog. Most people, if they’re reading my blog I wouldn’t care if they identify me. It’s a different story with her).
    Boundaries are crucial. For me it was also learning I’m allowed to.

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  21. I agree with you, those toxic and manipulative suck energies and we need to protect ourselves from them at every point in time. I believe in energy, the good and bad, something when we encounter people.

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  22. Agree, one person shouldn’t be doing most or all the taking in a relationships and the other person shouldn’t be doing most or all the given either. Therefore, when it becomes one sided on a regular, it usually a sign that it’s time to end or distance yourself in that relationship with the individual.

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    • absolutely but I am referring to the really toxic manipulators, game players in this post … the ones that will undermine at every possible level!

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  24. The universe seems to give back what we put out there; always good to keep putting forth the best we have to give. The life we get often mirrors our hearts. Those who trample upon the hearts of others are surely broken-hearted themselves. It is always hard to understand why people do the things they do when it hurts other people. Poison is poison. It can never fix anything…only do harm. We must remember that it has absolutely nothing to with us whatsoever…the toxic person is a separate entity from us. All we can do is draw a boundary of sacred space within our souls.

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    • Hi Mark, nice to meet you!
      not really sure what you mean?
      I merely step away from toxic people because they have no insight to change their ways, I draw the boundaries!

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      • Hi Kate, nice to meet you also.
        I was just mentioning our fears are what drive us in all that we do. Those toxic people are driven by a childhood fear of ‘not good enough’ ,’rejection’ or even being raised to not show love as they too were given no empathy by someone they loved and looked up to. And as those fears get locked in by about 10 or 11 years old they spend the rest of their lives reacting to those fears.
        As an example, I hated my father with a vengeance. I felt he treated me very poorly and got to a stage where I would have nothing to do with him. That ‘rejection’ was a fear I took into my adult life and within that I expected people to love me a certain way, an expectation of love how I wanted it. In all my relationships I would treat all ladies by pulling out chairs, gifts of flowers etc, etc. Until the lady would say whoa, stop, your crushing me with all these actions. And when it all came crashing down I would say how could you possibly not want to be treated in this way, pointing the finger that it was all their fault. But the reality was that my fear was the driver of those actions, I didn’t want them to reject me so I did all this stuff for them, but I actually created those fears by those expectations and kept getting the same result all through my life.
        Until some kind soul asked me to look at what kept repeating in all my relationships, what feelings they engendered which finally made me realise it was the same feelings I had from my dad. They then asked me to ask myself why I felt that way, look deeper because as a child my coping strategy was quite limited so all I could do was build a wall to block the pain. But behind that wall is our tender spot, the place that we all keep to not be hurt ever again. And once I faced it and saw it for what it was I broke down in tears (I was 5oyrs old at the time), and in that release I finally saw what was really behind everything I had done to cause so many issues, all for the sake of not facing my fear. Once I understood just what that fear was built on, I let it go, it had finally lost its power over me and a freedom like nothing I had ever experienced washed over me and I could really smile and feel a happiness like no other for the first time. That love and happiness we have always looked for was actually blocked by that fear, it was just the fact that I held myself as rejected, not loved, that there must be something wrong with me, that was stopping me from being that happiness. it is not ‘out there’ but inside us all waiting to be found.
        Sorry, that was supposed to be a quick reply 😀

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        • wow that’s quite a personal journey Mark!
          But many of the toxic people I’ve met are masters of manipulation, spoilt brats as kids. It got them what they wanted so they think those ploys will work on everyone and just can’t stop themselves. You had very negative self talk but not sure I agree with the way you use ‘fear’ and totally disagree that it’s our driver.

          Not saying it isn’t for some but fear is not innate, love is!

          We already have that limitless well inside and need some kind of epiphany like yours to cry and open ourselves to the endless opportunities it offers …

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          • Very true Kate, that limitless love is most certainly waiting to be found from our journey.
            And no, fear is not innate but something that is ingrained from our reaction to those we love and look up to. They too only unintentionally pass on their fears because it is all they know from how they were also raised. How often do we say to others ‘your just like your mother/father’, the good and the bad.
            Regardless dear lady, that is my journey. And as you have said, those epiphanies are our breakthrough.
            May your well always be full and your opportunities abound ❤️

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